that first wave hits like
an echo of everything
that I have ever been

the owls are back in town
and it seems that I have
started to bend again  

why did i let you ruin blue for me

i have glamorized evil yet still desire the saccharine gleam that seems to coat everyone but me. i want to be clean but able to do atrocious things without dirtying myself.

once there was a dreary mist
that quenched my landlocked thirst 
once something propelled me on 
and blessed me with a curse
once there was a weary rain 
that soaked me through and through  
and when at last the storm had passed
all that was left was you  

there is no way out of it. acceptance of it does not lessen its pain. knowledge of the future does not make the present more bearable, but makes it drone on for even longer. 

and so i wait and wait and wait for eternity to come for me, only to realize with a wave of dread that i am already in its indifferent clutches. 

it is not eternity that i am waiting for, but the end of my perception of it. 

that whole day, i had the sensation that i was leaving hideous footsteps on an otherwise undisturbed and beautifully snowy path.

it’s the not knowing
the boisterous undertow within me
the light cutting through the pitiless ocean 
the constant questioning
why, why, why? 

let me anchor myself to a painful reality
counting the grains of sand at the bottom of the ocean
to make sure that everything adds up and shutting
all the empty oysters i forced open in vain  

digging, clawing
the all too cheerful drawing
of shades, curtains, eyelids
blind spots in my mind
and i too have been drawn
by a hand that would not
cease its shaking 

i’ll send good vibes in your general direction but i won’t do much else